I love my family, treasure my daughter, my stepdaughter, my
Grandest one, my son in law…. There are times
when that very love feels dangerous, like a tug of war between giving and
reluctance or caution. If my feelings
flair, to share my emerging love it takes
courage – from the French word
for heart, Coeur. Maybe it’ll be judged
as mushy or unrequiteable. Too
much. Inappropriate. Or it launches an edgy trial balloon barter.
Two hugs for one kiss? Or sometimes love simply retreats in a clash. Then it needs forgiveness.
Rejecting love can be
a knee jerk response. To me, it seems
that fine impervious membranes surround our feelings in kind of packets. The love I express can bounce right off the
membrane that holds a packet of reactions.
Or off some kind of see-through layer like space metal. My rolling wave of love clangs! Then retracts itself.
My own love learned to hide behind a cold hardness at
times. I was carefully shut down in
defense. I was shocked when I recognized
my coldness. I wanted to melt it down, so I could radiate
my love like some of the people whose radiant love I cherish. For a time I writhed in my coolness standing
like a sentinel, observing from my cocoon of gracious sounds. I have met myself coming! And now I can work to soothe it. Thank Heaven
for life with its myriad of unexpected Bunsen burners like when suddenly you
meet your old friend, or a new beloved, heal an old rift, or a brand new baby
cooing a delight to see me, or even receive an adult compliment or two or an
award for your book!
The song, I want to
know what love is, flows through my head at least once a day. Many decades of life’s stew, lumpy morsels of
grief and gain even beyond peanut butter! boil up all kinds of flavours from my
legend. That questing song tears at the
membranes round old reactions of all kinds, liberating them to let them warm that
chill in my heart. Love becomes easier
and easier.
As I scan my history, in this life, I am fascinated. My full spectrum legend fills with people
from many environments, in many many emotional settings for friends, lovers,
family, saints/gurus. There are some
people who light up many moments on my long path. Some of those surprise me. Even through difficulties, fracases or
betrayals, somehow the love still emerges as I grow or we both grow. Our souls know enough to keep turning up the
light. Courageously I can now offer this
new love as it grows through me, so we all receive love.
I am writing this piece for a dear sister in law. Even after I divorced her brother, she has
always kept me in the family, treated me warmly and lovingly. I am so grateful for her faith in me and her
steady love. “Family is family” she said
“and we are soul sisters.” Now and again
on the phone we swap rich tales of family, children, marriage, grandchildren, life
and death, healing, dreams, and the forgivenesses which come as we grow through
our various stages of being. Spiralling
across the ocean, our inner selves churn an elixir of healing, love. So to
Dot, and to several others of you “out there” I say thank you so much for being
lights…even LEDs… in my legend. May we
continue to spread the wealth of our love.
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